Why Can’t We?

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This week was my niece’s wedding.  She married a young man that loves her and whom she loves.  They have been in love from the first time they met…. and yet, they didn’t marry or date immediately.  Either way, this marriage was lovely and, with perseverance, faith and love it will endure.  But what about the people that were included in this wondrous event?  The bridal party?  The Grooms men and woman?  What about the families?  What about the women that surrounded this young woman in her life changing event?

Well, let’s see.  There was me, obviously.  I gave the only gift that no one else could.  I gave my wedding rings to her to wear, hopefully, for at least the amount of time I did – 32 years.  I did all the right things organizing, etc. and was duly excited to be part of this event.  I was, in truth a bit envious of her joy, but not truly jealous or spiteful as some could be.  I miss my late husband, but am very happy that she will carry forward our tradition of love and respect.

The mother of the bride, my sister, was excited, delighted, thrilled and sad.  She made the gown that her only daughter wore and it was beautiful.  I knew it would be.  She cried, which she never does really, and she laughed and was happy.  She enjoyed the young women that my niece has surrounded herself with and their laughter was something that lifted her spirits.  It was beautiful to watch and bittersweet since I have never had these events with the only child I had.  But it remained something I would not have missed for the world.

The bridesmaids – her best friend here is a young woman who is very quiet, and a bit unusual, considering her size and height.  But she is beautiful with gorgeous eyes and a good heart.  Very smart, but prone to thinking things over many times before acting.  Which isn’t a bad trait at all.  The other three ladies in the event were ones I met for the first time and they included others that were also special and wonderful.

One, outspoken and strong, made me laugh and made my heart heavy for her.  Her life is complicated and her ability to deal is epic.  I will always respect and like her, I think.  She didn’t take anything from anyone and it was not in a mean way, but firm and well done.  One, strong and well rounded, so very different from her peers and yet, she fit so well with the group.  I admired her.

The last, the grooms woman, was amazing, sweet and very nice.  Her girlfriend was a lovely girl that I could see why they were together.  I liked her a lot.  She was amazing.

Then, there was the “adopted” mother of the groom.  She is older, a bit wild, but she loves him as a son and has been very nice to my niece.  She makes an awesome “Bucket Salad” – I am seriously considering begging for the recipe.

The hair dresser I could have skipped….. while she may have been a friend to one of the ladies involved, I did not care for her or her judgmental, rude ways.  She made the maid of honor weep (inside) and the bride uncomfortable.  She insulted the mother of the bride and me….. I wear dentures, and it was early so of course my teeth were not in and it was busy busy in my kitchen.  She commented, after she saw me dressed how pretty I was with my teeth in – I commented back “I know!  But I am always a pretty woman!”

The rest of them, I will leave alone…..mostly because it will serve no purpose and it will hurt people needlessly.  But, as you can see this group of people was very diverse and, particularly the women, I watched them carefully.  I wanted to understand something.

Why can’t we be supportive of each other?  I don’t mean agree with every word or pretend that someone looks good with the nasty bed head and cheddar teeth…. but when someone is nice, tell them so!  When you feel a warmth to another person, be kind, not critical!

With women this seems particularly hard.  It is as if we are so afraid that the other person is going to “steal” some attention or be “prettier” than we are that we don’t see the truth at all.  Everyone gets attention for different things…. be it someone just likes them or they did something nice or they are interesting to look at, aesthetically pleasing… etc.  You can’t steal those things and no one is prettier than anyone else, except inside.  Because everyone sees you differently than everyone else.

Women, the only part of the species that has allowed themselves to be cowed.  To be bought and sold for millennium by the males of our species…. they should stand together.  But they don’t.  They sell each other as fast as males do and with more callous ways than a man does.

Why can’t we stand together?  Why can’t we see this is why we are not  able to be equal to our counterparts?  Sigh.

They Learn What They See…..

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To the Lady at the Dental Clinic:

I saw your younger daughter bouncing that baby boy, able to care for him as if he was hers and knowing how to hold him and play with him – at 3 weeks old – and wondered if he was hers.  She might have been 14 years old.  I didn’t realize it was her sister’s baby until she told me.

You came out of the clinic and took the baby…. wearing black spandex and a sleeveless top with sandals.  I didn’t think much of it until I realized that you are at least 15 years younger than me….. and then I saw the mother.  She couldn’t be much more than 17, wearing bright blue eye shadow, jeans so tight her belly hangs over the top and sandals with spangles…..

Most of the time I ignore it, but you woke me to something – your younger daughter will, most likely, be a mother prior to age 18, probably with a boy she won’t marry and who won’t pay child support.  She also sported the bright eye shadow and very tight jeans, along with a push up bra that made her tiny B cup breasts look like C’s.

We do what we see as children…. Thank you.  It reminded me why I don’t do those things.  I hope you aren’t a grandmother by the younger one too soon and that you don’t spend the years you would have loved to have spent being grandma, being mama to the grandchildren.

Be well.

Signed,

OMG DO THEY NEVER THINK????!!!!

Lost Generations…… Did We Create Them?

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The children of today are “encouraged” from birth to believe things that are beyond not true and right into fantasy.  This sounds improbable, but it is true.  If the behaviors that are allowed, encouraged or even simply ignored are any indication of what the children (meaning from age  0 to age 38) think that life is, then we have failed in EPIC ways.  We have failed in ways that previous generations could not understand or even consider.  To that end, the reader must consider several things… the “center of the universe” that exists solely in the head of the child….. the “instant gratification” that creates lack of understanding or ability to consider before acting….. the “youth and beauty” values that appear to be constant.

The “center of the universe” that is discussed here is that belief that seems to be universal to children of today… the belief that the universe exists to service the needs of the child.  One example is the child that never learns to care for their own belongings, but simply expects the adults in their lives to service their needs, wants and desires…. The child is taught that they are “first” in their parents lives and that their “needs” supersede the needs of the family or parents.  While there are some things in which the child’s needs do, indeed, come first, the majority of an adults life should be about them.  Meaning that while it is important to provide food, shelter, love and guidance to a child, it is not important to build your own life completely on their happiness.  In fact this is detrimental to positive growth for the child.

The child that believes that they are the reason for the sun rising in the morning is often disappointed.  The expectations built out of that belief are usually unrealistic and overblown, leaving the child to confusion and unhappiness.  This understanding is borne out by the very healthy view point of those children whose parents give them the values, attention and material goods that are actual needs rather than wants.  A child whose parents balance their own lives and make themselves important while still allowing the child to see that they are important as well, is often the child with an understanding that life is not simple, but that each individual has the life that is what they make, not what is given to them.

This brings the conversation to the “instant gratification” issue.  Instant gratification is something that society, for what ever reason, has chosen to embrace.  The receipt of goods or services in rapid succession with the thought of or desire for these goods or services is considered “instant gratification.”  In the case of children, this is taught by parents that tend to over indulge their young.  These parents have trained their child/ren to ask for and instantly receive items and rewards without any thought to what will happen when these needs are not met, as in what happens when they have to work for the money to get the things they want rather than be instantly satisfied by parental giving.  This is something that is truly scary.  Children used to know that they had to earn some things in life.  Most of us had some kind of “kid” job like a paper route, babysitting, etc. and gifts were for holidays and birthdays.  Now, children simply throw themselves into scream mode and are instantly given what they want.  This teaches nothing and devalues even the parents that are doing the giving.

Youth and Beauty, yes, the model on t.v. or in the magazine.  The expensive hair styles, clothing and jewelry that seem to be pushed, nay FORCED into the very crevices of the human brain, as how a person should look – YOUNG!  No matter how old you really are.  Beautiful in a way that is unrealistic (Ladies, seriously, that child is not going to hell if they eat the ice cream and NO you can’t get fat eating right as long as you exercise), like that bone thin woman with the space between her thighs that is so wide her toddler walks through her legs when they are held closed…..  Listen, the truth is this is what you are teaching:  Thin, to the point of emaciated, is healthy and right.  You must erase any look of age or you are worth nothing.

Now… remember this, NO ONE stays young forever.  Only the very rich or celebrities (and no not every celebrity is rich), will be able to afford that face/body lift that will keep them young until they are hideous and hiding because every surgery has its cost over time.  Seriously – do you want your children to believe that they must remain looking like a 5 year old to be perfect?

We are creating this bizarre group of people, or rather have created this bizarre group of people that will hate themselves in the end, have no realistic goals and who believe that parents should live only for them…… Did your parents stop living when you married or left home as young adults?  Probably not.  Did your parents give you everything you ever wanted?  I am betting they didn’t.  Do you not remember that spoiled rich kid that no one liked because they were ass hats? The one that got everything they wanted all the time?  Yeah – I know you do…

Did we create this?  I believe so.

Crunchy

The angry, crunchy rage builds inside me each time. The words are mean and angry, spoken when love should be used. Does anyone listen to themselves anymore? Are you so dead inside that you feel nothing? Are you gone to the other side of ugly?

I live in a world of torn apart treasures, sadness and pain…. The flowers are still beautiful and so is the smell of the rain.

Parents, Parenting, Parenting after the Relationship Ends… Child Support.

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The couple, or single woman, are pregnant.  It doesn’t matter if the couple is married, if their parents like their chosen partner, or even if they like each other.  The facts change the moment the stick turns blue.  In the world today, you would think that this is much clearer than the world prior to abortion, but it is not.  Women still go completely hormonal when they get pregnant and pretty much stay that way for more than a year.  Men, on the other hand, are not immune.  The problem is that there is now another life that these hormonal, anxiety ridden people are responsible for bringing into the world.

(NOTE:  This is NOT adoption related and thus it will not be part of the discussion).

First, no matter what the scenario, whether it was a one night stand, an ooops, or even a married couple trying, if the baby is there and the mother wants to keep it, then the relationship between the mother and father changes.  There is now a bond that, even in a one night stand, can’t be broken beyond a miscarriage or a termination of the pregnancy.  The other person has a claim on your world.  Which is why parents are forever saying “WAIT UNTIL YOU ARE MARRIED!” and praying their children listen.  There is no such thing as getting pregnant, having a baby and pretending the father/mother doesn’t exist – eventually children start asking questions and wanting to know the other “half” of who they are.

Which brings up the Parenting issues….. people, seriously, a child is not your buddy.  A child is there to be nurtured, loved and taught how to live in our world.  Not a toy to be played with and allowed to turn into nightmare alley material.  They need parents that stand together, have a plan and who are willing to learn from their own mistakes…. it is not easy, but if you end up with a young adult who values life, knows the value of a dollar and is willing to make their own way in life without borrowing from mom and dad, who is following the path that is best for them, then you have done well.  It does not matter if they are your best bud or not – it matters if they are their own best friend!

So, working together is an imperative.  That includes if your relationship does not work.  You don’t talk smack about the other parent – EVER.  Children are not weapons or tools to hurt that person you were hurt by.  They are human beings.  And remember, every time you time you talk about Mom/Dad in a negative way, you leave the child that you supposedly love wondering if they are not good because mom/dad is not good.  That other person that you hate and are trying to hurt is HALF of your child – and that half is just as important to the child as your half.  Don’t delude yourself into thinking that raising a child erases the rest of the picture….. it would be a mistake you would regret for life.

Now, you have crossed the lines and hurdled the boundaries and you have a parenting partner that is not in the picture…. yep, talking about the non-existent person that has a say or at minimum some input regarding your life and your parenting.  They visit – maybe, and you have to tolerate their judgmental behaviors or the things that they tell the kiddos when you aren’t around.  It is difficult.  But that is called PARENTING – realizing that you can’t change what others think and as long as you stay true to being a GOOD parent and not joining the idiotic fray of name calling, then you will always have a good relationship with the child/ren you are raising.  Easy peasy, right?  But what about the other side of that, the money side?  They helped make this/these babies, what the heck is their issue with helping pay for them?

First thing to remember is that your child is not part of your financial discussion – EVER.  Their love is not or should not be dependent upon the idea that you are killing yourself paying for their lives and lifestyles.  It is not their business.  Neither is the payment or failure to pay of child support of the other parent.  Visitation should never be decided on who paid up their support this month.  That is like telling a child that they are only worthy as long as mom/dad is paying for the privilege of seeing them.  Very poor parenting.  Also, your money issues are never their issue…. that is just common sense.  Not saying you can’t say “We can’t afford that” just saying that your bills are yours, not theirs and if you choose to share them, then you choose to make your life more difficult.

On the flip side….. and this is something that pisses me off… I honestly believe that they should jail and/or force the “dead beat” to pay their support.  This isn’t just dads!  Oh he** no!  I know a boatload of mothers out there that don’t pay and don’t seem to care that they live well and the children that popped out of them are hungry or homeless.  I particularly dislike the deadbeat that remarries and then allows the new spouse to make money so they don’t have to pay their support.  After all, the new spouse didn’t breed the kid, so the law says they don’t have to pay for them.

The problem I see with that, NO ONE MARRIES WITHOUT KNOWING THE DEAL!  You marry and you marry their issues, bills and, yes, their child support.  It truly fries me when the new spouse is military – because the military will pay a stipend and insure a child that is in shared custody (the usual custody arrangement for the last 20 years) and even provide base housing with bedrooms enough for the number of children that are either in the custody of or partial custody of the non-military spouse.  This is true even if the military spouse has no children of their own and is not legally responsible for the child support.  So they get paid, get housing allowances and nice housing for children that wait – their deadbeat spouse is not even paying for.

Truly, that irks the hell out of me.   You gave birth or shared in the “experience” of creating life – YOU ARE RESPONSIBLE.  Your new mate knew  you had children…. they need to suck it up and pay for them.

What really is crazy, all the lies and screaming I see happening.  People, children are not weapons or tools – they are human beings that you are destroying with your personal drama!  They don’t care if mom or dad is rich, poor, mean, whatever, they care that these are the people that gave them life and you are making them hate part of themselves!

And all you lazy parents out there – honestly, deadbeat behaviors are nasty.  If you didn’t want them, you should have kept your pants on!  If you didn’t want to pay for them, you should have never had them.  You did this, not them.

A thought – for those of you out there trying to get the government to come down on that deadbeat that lives well while you struggle to raise your kids – work in the political arena to make it illegal for anyone to receive benefits for children that they do not have full custody of, or at minimum are not the primary placement.  Fight to have step-parents wages garnished if the other parent is hiding behind the “step parents are not responsible” laws that make it easy to hide and live well while custodial parents struggle.  Stop pretending that you are a martyr and step up and be parents!

Just my thoughts…..

Developmental Similarities in Canines and Humans

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I used to think that animals were really simple in behavior and low in intelligence.  Not so!  Over the years of pet ownership, I have noted some really cool things.  Things that give lie to the belief of the human world that animals do not have the capacity to be at least semi-sentient (defined as “self-aware”).  Behaviors, behavioral patterns and traits and responses are really good indicators of what I believe today…. which is worlds away from 30 years ago.

First – have you ever raised a puppy?  If you have, and you are aware of behavioral/developmental patterns of the human child, you see things that make life interesting:

Discovering paws – puppy will, at approximately 8 weeks, start watching his paws.  This occurs in humans when they are about the same age and they are watching the shadows that waiving their arms about makes.

Learning that back feet are part of you and can be controlled – 3.5 to 4 months.  The stage is punctuated by finding the puppy on furniture, or, in the alternative, climbing the baby gate to keep them off the furniture.

Potty training – for puppies, it seems like the first 6 months are a battle of peeing on the floor and getting them to ask to go outside.  Like toddlers, this is pretty normal.  Each breed of dog seems to house train at different ages.  It can take a year or a day, depending on the instincts of the animal for their “don’t pee where you sleep” drive.

Learning “Tricks” – All children learn how to do things at different times.  We teach a child to “stay” by putting them in one place and insisting that they stay there until we are ready for them to move.  For a dog, this is more complex, but usually learned in about the same general “age”.  Almost all things that are taught to a dog, can be equivalent to a puppy.

The differences, in reality, are that a human child communicates differently and is our species….. Dogs grow up much faster, have a shorter life span and communicate non-verbally.  Ask any pet owner if they are sure what their pet wants and you will find that they say YES of course!  Ask them if their “pet” talks to them and you will get the same answer….. but then, if you say how, that is more complex.  Animals, compared to humans have simpler needs and wants, while a humans needs and wants become more and more complex as they grow and mature.

Interesting…… observing….. learning.

When Did We Get So Stupid?

I am always amazed when I see signs that say “Caution:  Hot Liquid” on coffee cups… or “slippery when wet” on roads….. and now as I watch the changes in vehicles, I really have to wonder – when did we get so stupid?

Who doesn’t know that a road will be slippery if it is wet?

Who doesn’t know that if you don’t pay attention, you will indeed rear end another vehicle?

At what point are people stupid enough to leave infants/pets in a car that will reach 120 deg F and more?

Are our children so stupid that they don’t know that a cartoon is not real?

Who is not aware that letting a baby eat buttons is stupid?

I really wonder if people are dumb…. or if we have learned to rely technology to the point that people really don’t know that they should look over their shoulder when they back the car up?

Sigh….. dumbing down the world in an effort to smarten it up….. how is that logical?

 

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